Three Simple Steps for Dealing with Any Kind of Conflict
Excerpt
1
Managing Conflict with the ER-I Model
The possibility for conflict exists everywhere.
Conflicts arise out of everyday differences of opinion, disagreements,
and the interplay of different ideas, needs, drives, wishes, lifestyles,
values, beliefs, interests, and personalities. Yet conflicts are more
than just debates or negotiations. They represent an escalation of
everyday competition and discussion into an arena of hostile or
emotion-provoking encounters that strain personal or interpersonal
tranquility, or both.
For example, a bill from your doctor is higher than you expect or think
it should be. You go to your doctor to discuss it, and he explains that
the amount increase is justified because he spent more time than in a
usual office visit. He detected a potential problem and needed to
examine you further. Is this a conflict? It's more accurately described
as a disagreement or a difference of opinion. But as with any difference
of opinion or divergence in personal needs and goals, there is always
the potential that a real conflict might develop if the emotions become
engaged or hostility is expressed. Say you claim you won't pay the
increase because the doctor didn't advise you in advance, and the doctor
threatens to no longer treat you as a patient. You then raise complaints
about the doctor's previous use of tests you don't think were needed.
The result is that at some point, unless you choose to give in and pay
whatever the doctor is asking, this discussion turns into a conflict. It
becomes a heated verbal combat based on competing or opposing interests,
and in some cases, tensions rise even more.
This kind of scenario plays itself out again and again at all levels in
human relationships—between spouses, lovers, friends, parents and
children, business associates, relatives, neighbors, everybody. And it
can occur internally when you face opposing desires and needs that pull
you in different directions.
When you don't know how to deal with these situations, the uncomfortable
feelings generated by the conflict can be destructive to you and the
relationship. The actual outcome of the conflict can be even more
unproductive and detrimental. For instance, returning to the doctor
example, you might end up paying the increased amount, and feel
resentful toward your doctor as a result. This might trigger further
hostile encounters, leading eventually to your leaving a doctor who has
provided you expert care or to your doctor refusing to further treat you
as a patient. In the worst case, the initial discussion might actually
escalate from an exchange of heated words to physical violence.
On the other hand, with proper strategy, the potential conflict could be
steered into a more favorable resolution. The doctor might agree to
defer the extra payment this time or seek to get an extra amount from
your insurance carrier, while you agree that you will clarify what you
expect on future visits. You might also determine when you need to see
this more expensive specialist and when you might obtain routine
treatment first from doctors at a local clinic.
Similarly, at work, you might turn a potential conflict into a win-win
situation, such as when you and a co-worker are vying for a similar
position. Maybe your co-worker is more interested in the title,
management duties, and the larger office with a great view that come
with the position, while you are more interested in the more challenging
technical work you will be doing in the new job. By clarifying what you
are each looking for in the new job, you might each be able to get what
you want and turn the conflict into a source of opportunity for you both.
In short, with the proper conflict management skills, potential
conflicts can be averted or defused—and even turned into a positive
source for improved interpersonal relationships and personal growth. The
key is not to avoid conflict, which is potentially inherent in all
social interactions and in all choices we make, but to recognize it and
manage it skillfully to produce the best outcome.
Using the ER-I Method for Conquering Conflict
An ideal technique for managing conflict is the
emotional-rational-intuitive (E-R-I) method of conflict resolution. In
essence, this method involves first getting the emotions—yours or the
other person's—out of the way. Then, you use your reason and your
intuition to make choices about how to react in conflict situations. You
base your approach on the circumstances, the personalities, interests,
and needs of the people involved, and on your own goals, interests, and
needs.
This is a powerful approach because at its heart any serious conflict
engages the emotions of its participants. Therefore, one of the first
steps in resolving conflict is to defuse the negative emotions generated
by the conflict—both your own feelings and that of others. To do so, you
need to call on your reason or intuition, because if you react from your
own feelings to these already heightened feelings, you will only help to
further raise the emotional tension level instead of defusing it.
Once emotions are defused, you can use your reason or intuition, as
appropriate, to figure out possible resolutions acceptable to all
involved. But say this is an extremely difficult situation and you can't
realistically resolve or defuse emotions now. You might use the
rational-intuitive method to decide that the best thing to do now is to
delay and walk away so you can obtain more information, as well as cool
off the heat of the argument. Then, you can regroup and come back
prepared to resolve it. So initially, avoidance can sometimes be just
the ticket, rather than trying to work out the problem when you and the
other party are still upset and you don't have all the information you
need.
Once you learn to understand and assess the situation and make effective
choices in the conflict or potential conflict situations you encounter,
you will optimize your ability to not only resolve a conflict but even
gain from the people with whom you are in conflict. And if a conflict is
a barrier to something you want, overcoming it will help you achieve
your goal, too.
Here are the basics on how the model works. Subsequent chapters will
discuss in more detail how to use each of the three aspects of the
model, while the many examples will help you see how the method might be
applied in various conflict situations.
How the ER-I Conflict Management Model Works
The basic way to use the emotional-rational-intuitive approach to
managing conflict is to look on any conflict situation as a problem or
potential problem to be solved. First, you must get past the emotions
involved, so that you can use your reason and intuition to deal with the
core problem. Then, you select the appropriate problem-solving
techniques from an arsenal of possible strategies for dealing with the
conflict. The strategy you select will depend on the stage of the
conflict (potential conflict, developing conflict, open conflict), the
importance of a particular resolution to you, an assessment of what the
other person needs and wants, and the types of emotions released by the
conflict.
Once you select the appropriate technique, you then determine the best
way to apply it. The optimal choices depend on your ability to assess
the situation and the alternatives rationally, your ability to intuit
what option is best for the situation, and your ability to put that
choice into action.
Whenever you find yourself in a conflict or potential conflict
situation, go through a quick "self-assessment" like the one that
follows. Depending on your answers, choose the appropriate response.
Give yourself time to learn to do this, because at first you will have
to think through your reactions. But in time, as you use this approach
regularly, the choices will come to you spontaneously. It will be like
flashing through all the options in your mind in a moment, then
intuitively choosing the ones you want to employ in that situation.
The following chart, which is adapted from my out-of-print book
Resolving Conflict (originally published in 1990 by New Harbinger
Publications, Inc., Oakland, CA), describes the questions to ask and
strategies to use. Subsequent chapters describe how and when to use each
of these strategies in more detail, so when you are in a conflict
situation you can review your options and decide the best ones to choose.
Questions to Ask
Strategies to Use
1. Are emotions causing the conflict or 1. No matter what the emotions,
there standing in the way of a resolution? If are techniques to calm
feelings, both your yes: What are these emotions?
own and the other's, so that solutions can be worked out.
ANGER? If so, whose?
ANGER
a.
a.
The other person's?
Techniques to cool down or deflect the anger, such as empathetic
listening, letting the other person vent his or her anger, soothing hurt
feelings, and correcting misunderstandings.
b.
b.
Your own?
Techniques to channel or control your anger, such as short-term venting,
deflection, and visualization to release anger.
MISTRUST? If so, whose?
MISTRUST
a.
a.
The other person's?
Techniques to cool down or deflect the anger, such as empathetic
listening, letting the other person vent his or her anger, soothing hurt
feelings, and correcting misunderstandings.
b.
b.
Your own?
Techniques to channel or control your anger, such as short-term venting,
deflection, and visualization to release anger.
FEAR? If so, whose?
FEAR
a.
a.
The other person's?
Techniques to reduce fear.
b.
b.
Your own?
Techniques to assess the accuracy of this fear or to deal with it openly
and productively.
OTHER EMOTIONS (jealousy, guilt, etc.)? OTHER EMOTIONS
If so, whose?
a.
a.
The other person?
Techniques to calm the other person.
b.
b.
Your own?
Techniques to calm yourself.
2. What are the underlying reasons for 2. Ways to search for the true
needs and the conflict?
wants of both parties.
WHAT ARE THE OTHER PERSON'S TRUE NEEDS OTHER PERSON'S NEEDS AND WANTS
AND WANTS?
a.
Direct communication, asking the person to outline reasons, needs, and
wants.
b.
Intuitive and sensing techniques to pick up the underlying reasons if
the person isn't willing to speak or isn't self-aware enough to
recognize these underlying needs and wants.
WHAT ARE YOUR OWN TRUE NEEDS AND YOUR NEEDS AND WANTS
WANTS?
a.
Self-examination to determine your real desires and needs if you aren't
already clear about them.
b.
Intuitive and sensing techniques to consider your underlying goals.
You Statements
I Statements
(sound accusatory)
(express feelings, make requests, are solution-oriented)
"You never call me to go somewhere or do "When you call me to make plans
at the something until the last minute."
last minute, I'm not always free, although I would like to go with you
if I could. I sometimes feel hurt that you wait so long. I would
appreciate it if you would call me earlier so we can make arrangements
in the future.
"Why do you always interrupt me?"
"When you try to talk to me while I'm talking, I can't really pay
attention to what you're trying to say because I'm thinking about
something else. I'd really appreciate it if you could wait until I've
finished talking, unless it's really important and you feel you have to
interrupt right away.
"You don't respect me. You never remem"When you don't remember my
birthday ber my birthday."
I feel like you don't care about me or respect me. I would like to feel
that you care."
"You are annoying me with all your "When you ask me questions while I'm
questions."
doing something else, I feel distracted and irritate, because I'm not
really ready to pay attention to them. I'd appreciate it if you could
ask me these questions again at a more convenient time, such as " [you
specify when].
"You never do what I want; always what "When you make a decision for us
withyou want."
out asking for my opinion, I feel hurt and I feel that you aren't
interested in my ideas. I'd like it if we could discuss these things so
we could do what we both want."
What the Person Says
What You Think He or She What You Might Say to Means or Feels
Bring Out the Real Meanings or Feelings
"Do what you want."
"I don't like what you want "I feel that you may not to do, but I don't
feel like really want this. What do you care about what I you really
want, and can we think. I feel that you are talk about it?"
going to do it your way in any event."
"I don't care."
"I do care, but I feel frus"But you do seem to be trated. You aren't
listening annoyed by what hapto what I am saying."
pened, and I'm concerned about how you feel."
"Have it your way."
"I'm too tired to struggle "But I'd like to be sure I with you anymore.
Do what have your input and agreeyou want, but I don't like ment, too.
What would you it."
like to see happen, so we can both get what we want?"
"Fine" [or any other words "It's not the slightest bit "But it sounds
like it isn't of apparent approval that fine, and I'm really very fine
for you. What do you are spoken in a reluctant or angry with you. I feel
like really feel about this? I'd angry tone of voice].
I'm being pushed around."
truly like to know."
Questions to Ask (cont.)
Strategies to Use (cont.)
3. Is the conflict due to a misunderstand3. Techniques for overcoming
misundering? Whose?
standing through better communication
a.
a.
The other person's?
Techniques to explain and clarify.
b.
b.
Your own?
Techniques to be open and receptive to the other person's explanations
c.
c.
Both, or Uncertain?
Combination of techniques to explain and clarify to the other person,
and to be open and receptive to the other person's explanations
4. Is the conflict due to someone failing 4. Techniques to determine who
is to take responsibility for some action, in responsible and to gain
acceptance for the past or in the future? Is an agreement this
responsibility.
to do something needed? Whose responsibility?
a.
a.
The other person's responsibility?
Techniques to get the other person to acknowledge responsibility and
agree to do something.
b.
b.
Your responsibility?
Techniques to recognize and acknowledge this.
5. What kind of conflict styles would be 5. Techniques to assess the
available conmost suitable to use in this situation?
flict styles, and choosing between them, based on:
The conflict style you prefer.
The conflict style you and others feel most comfortable with.
The conflict styles that would be most effective under the circumstances.
a.
a.
Is it possible to reach a win-win Choose the style of compromise or
solution? If yes:
collaboration, using techniques of negotiation and discussion.
b.
b.
Is the conflict worth resolving now? Choose avoidance or delay to postIf
not:
pone dealing with the situation now.
c.
c.
Are there power considerations that If you are more powerful, choose
will affect the outcome? Who is competition or offer to compromise. more
powerful?
If the other person is more powerful, choose accommodation or offer to
compromise.
6. Do special personality factors come 6. Unfortunately, don't they
always?
into play?
a.
a.
Is the other person a "difficult" Special techniques for dealing with
person?
difficult people.
b.
b.
Do you have difficulty stating your Techniques for expressing your true
needs and wants (for example, needs and wants effectively.
recognition)?
7. What alternatives and solutions are 7. Both parties should be
encouraged to available?
make suggestions about possible solutions.
8. How can this conflict/problem be 8. Techniques of brainstorming and
creturned into an opportunity?
ative visualization help achieve positive outcomes.
9. What is the best outcome?
9. Using your rational skills to prioritize possible outcomes will help
you create a solution that is the best you can achieve in the
circumstances of this particular conflict.
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