Just Listen

Overview

The first make-or-break step in persuading anyone to do any thing is getting them to hear you out. Whether the person is a harried colleague, a stressed-out client, or an insecure spouse, things will go from bad to worse if you can't break through emotional barricades.

Drawing on his experience as a psychiatrist, business con sultant, and coach, and backed by the latest scientific research, author Mark Goulston shares simple but powerful techniques readers can use to really get through to people—whether they're coworkers, friends, strangers, or enemies. Just Listen reveals how to:

• Make a powerful and positive first impression

• Listen effectively

• Make even a total stranger—a potential client, perhaps—feel "felt?

• Talk an angry or aggressive person away from an instinctual, unproductive reaction and toward a more rational mindset

• Achieve buy-in, the linchpin of all persuasion, negotiation, sales, and more

Getting through is a fine art but a critical one. With the help of this groundbreaking book readers will be able to turn the "impossible? and "unreachable? people in their lives into allies, devoted customers, loyal colleagues, and lifetime friends.

About the Author

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About the Author

Goulston is a member of the International Leadership Association. He has provided training, executive coaching, and consultation to many companies and organizations, including GE, IBM, Goldman Sachs, Merrill Lynch, Xerox, Deutsche Bank, Hyatt, Accenture, ADP, State Farm Insurance, Astra Zenica, Bristol Myers Squibb, Kaiser Permanente, Kodak, Federal Express, FBI, Los Angeles District Attorney, White & Case, Seyfarth Shaw, UCLA, USC, and Pepperdine University.

Mark Goulston is the best-selling author of four books including Get Out of Your Own Way and Get Out of Your Own Way at Work. A regular contributor to a variety of publications, Goulston writes the Tribune Media Services syndicated column "Solve Anything with Dr. Mark,? an Internet column on leadership for Fast Company, and a blog on The Huffington Post. He is frequently called upon to share his expertise with the media including: the Wall Street Journal, Harvard Business Review, Fortune, Newsweek, Time, Los Angeles Times, ABC, NBC, CBS, Fox, CNN, BBC News, "Oprah,? and "The Today Show.?

Goulston received a Bachelor of Arts in Zoology from the University of California-Berkeley and a Doctor of Medicine from Boston University. He completed post-graduate residency in psychiatry at the University of California-Los Angeles (UCLA). He was a professor at UCLA's internationally renowned Neuropsychiatric Institute for more than twenty years and was elected as a Fellow of the American Psychiatric Association. The Consumers' Research Council of America (Washington, DC) named Dr. Goulston one of America's Top Psychiatrists in 2004, 2005, and 2009.

He lives in Los Angeles, California. Learn more about Mark on his website http://www.markgoulston.com.

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How to Achieve Get-Through

SUBHEAD:Five Quick and Powerful Persuasion Arts Moves:SUBHEAD

How can you get an irate customer to listen? How can you get a skeptical stakeholder or prospect to consider your proposal? How can you get a stubborn team member to cooperate? As Mark Goulston, the author of JUST LISTEN (AMACOM 2009), knows from years of experience as a business communicator and relationship and crisis counselor, there are ways to get through to even the most resistant people. "The following techniques take just minutes,? Dr. Goulston attests, "but they can change the course of a business project, a sale, a relationship, or even a life.?

"Do You Really Believe That?? When a person launches into an out-of-control rant about an awful problem or unbearable situation, how it's the end of the world, etc., etc., simply ask: "Do you really believe that?? The trick is to ask this question in a very calm and straightforward way. Your intent is not to antagonize or degrade, but rather to make the rant-er stop and realize that he or she is really making a mountain out of a molehill. Once in a rare while, you may be shocked when someone responds to this question with a firm "yes.? If that happens, you should really listen to what that person has to say.

The Power of Hmmm… When you encounter a person who's outraged and blames you, take a deep breath and say "hmmm…? Unlike "calm down,? and similar phrases that make an angry person angrier, "hmmm…? can rapidly turn a potential brawl into a cooperative dialogue. A simple "hmmm…? speaks volumes, telling people that what they're saying is worth listening to and worthy of some sort of action. However, "hmmm…? commits you to nothing. The sole purpose of "hmmm…? is to ease tension to the point where you can have a conversation, identify the actual problem, and come up with a realistic solution. If you're dealing with a client or customer meltdown, use "hmmm…? as your first line of defense.

The Stipulation Game. A stipulation is what lawyers make when they agree upfront on a problematic fact, like the defendant's fingerprints being on the murder weapon. It's a smart technique because when people already know (or will quickly find out) your problem, your best move is to get it out of the way. When you stipulate to a potential problem, whether it's lack of experience or a personal flaw, do it with confidence. The more unselfconscious and relaxed you are, the easier it will be for everyone to focus on your message. Stipulation takes courage, but the payoff is big. You'll turn defects into assets and empower people to view you as a person rather than a problem. You might even find that the problem that's been holding you back is a key to moving you forward.

The Impossibility Question. Yes, your idea is daring and ambitious, but you know it's possible. The problem is talking other people into seeing it your way—getting your coworkers, your clients, your employees, your boss, your investors, or your family to go from "we can't do it? to "maybe we can do it? to "let's do it!? To give your vision a powerful shove towards reality, try asking doubters two questions: "What's something that would be impossible?? and "What would make it possible?? These questions move a person from a defensive, closed position or a selfish, excuse-making stance into an open, thinking attitude. When you invite people to tell you what they think is impossible, they'll lower their guard to consider what's possible. Then, they'll begin to collaborate in thinking strategically.

The Power Thank You. There's nothing wrong with simply saying "Thanks.? But if you stop there, your communication is merely transactional (you did something nice for me, so I'll say something polite to you). When you offer a Power Thank You, your words will touch the other person and strengthen the relationship between you. A Power Thank You has three parts. 1: Thank the person for something specific that he or she did for you (or refrained from doing that would have hurt you). 2: Acknowledge the effort it took for the person to help you. 3: Tell the person the difference that his or her act personally made to you. Offer your Power Thank You in a group meeting, if you can. It will show everyone involved that you can be trusted to give credit where it's due—something that can win you important allies in a corporate world where people too often get burned by disloyalty.

Adapted from JUST LISTEN: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Everyone by Mark Goulston (AMACOM 2009).

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Toxic People Prevention

SUBHEAD:Techniques for Handling Emotionally Harmful Coworkers"SUBHEAD

Effective communication is about connecting with the people who can make your life better, right? But what about the people who don't want to make your life better? As noted psychiatrist and business consultant Mark Goulston has found, communication techniques can be equally effective for disconnecting from people who want to con you, use you, or crush you. "Sometimes you're so entangled financially or emotionally that it's tough to do what I call a jerkectomy,? Dr. Goulston acknowledges in his new book, JUST LISTEN (AMACOM 2009). "But painful or not, handling these people (or getting them out of your life entirely) is critical to your success and your sanity.? To defend yourself against toxic people in the workplace, try these techniques:

Needy people. These toxic people suck the life out of you, because no matter what you do for them, it's never enough. If you feel like yelling "Toughen up!? at the person, try the "wince confrontation.? Here's a sample script: "All of us feel disappointed, hurt, or upset from time to time. Yet, you whine, complain, cry, or blame somebody else almost every time I ask you about something you haven't done. It's too exhausting to be around you. You have the right to act anyway you choose, but I have the right to excuse myself or avoid you, which I will do. So, I hope you'll start taking responsibility for yourself and find a way to keep from falling apart when you're feeling upset.? With needy people, you need strong medicine. If the person is smart enough to take your message seriously, you'll see a change for the better.

Bullies. Bullies come after you because they think you're easy prey. Refuse to follow their script, and they'll usually give up and seek an easier target. When a bully tries to intimidate you with a verbal attack, strike back with your body language. Make eye contact. Stand up straight, be relaxed, and cock your head as if you're listening, but not very hard. Let your arms hang casually, instead of folding them defensively across your chest. Act polite but ever-so-slightly bored, as if your mind is elsewhere. Often, this unspoken response makes bullies feel uncomfortable or even foolish and causes them to back down.

Takers. You know these people. They're the ones who hit you up every day for a favor. ("Could you cover the phones for me?? "Do the graphs for my PowerPoint presentation?? "Pick up the lunch tab??) Strangely, they never seem to have time or energy to help you in return. Try avoiding takers, but if you can't, neutralize them. Plan ahead by having specific requests ready for the takers in your office. The next time a taker asks you for a favor, say "No problem!? and then insist on a quid pro quo, with no room for backing out. Because you don't say "no? to the taker, the taker won't have any reason to take offense. Do this once or twice and the taker will stop asking you and start searching for another patsy.

Narcissists. These people aren't out to hurt you, but they don't give a damn about you either—except as an audience for their own wonderfulness. A narcissist's motto is, "So…enough about you.? (And that's true even if you haven't opened your mouth yet!) Narcissists are always on center stage, expecting you to sit in the wings and clap for them. They aren't necessarily bad people at heart. Often, they're just spoiled. Sometimes, narcissists can be exciting and energizing people to work with, if you understand their behavior. Manage your expectations by never expecting a narcissist to do something that is not in his or her best interest. That way you won't feel blindsided when your business partners acts narcissistically, and you'll be able to keep your wits about you.

Yourself. Whenever you encounter toxic people and attempt to analyze their problem, always keep this in mind: Is it possible—just barely possible—that the person with the problem is you? Take a hard look in the mirror, and you might realize that you're the one who tends to be needy or a bit of a bully, who tries to take advantage of coworkers or behaves narcissistically. But not to worry. We all screw up in different ways. What separates the good people from the toxic ones is the ability to face those screw-ups and learn a lesson from them.

Adapted from JUST LISTEN: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Everyone by Mark Goulston (AMACOM 2009).

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Review Quotes

"an impressive bag of tricks… a guide that is as entertaining as it is useful? --Publishers Weekly

"The most useful (five-star) book on communicating... Everyone can be a better communicator with the right knowledge, and this book makes learning interesting and easy." --Lindsey Novak, nationally syndicated "At Work" columnist

"It's a measure of how contentious work relationships can get that the author, a psychiatrist, draws on hostage-negotiation techniques to instruct readers on how to deal with "defiant executives, angry employees or self-destructing management teams." .... Mission accomplished." --Time Magazine

"useful and applicable techniques and strategies for everything from getting teams to work together, to handling narcissistic clients (or is that a redundancy?), and getting your message across to even the most impenetrable people" --Accounting Today

"Just Listen is a banquet of approaches and ideas that's easy to devour the first time around, and a flavorful feast whenever you use portions as a reference book. It's certainly one of the best how-to books of the year." --Inland Empire Business Journal

"A primer on dealing with hard-to-reach people in virtually every scenario -- definat executives, angry employees, families in turmoil, warring couples -- through use of well-honed psychological techniques. Illustrative snippets from counseling session reveal martial-arts like techniques: potent on their own, but even more powerful when you combine them. Chapter summaries feature action steps preparing readers to encounter similar scenarios, yielding a guide that is as entertaining as it is useful." --CareerBuilder.com

"Just Listen is not only helpful for any kind of business, it teaches a skill that will aid you outside of the office too." --Niche Magazine

"Just Listen is an excellent guide for learning how to break down barriers." --Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

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Cover Copy

If only you could get that person into a calm and receptive state of mind, you'd likely be able to work out your differences, whether they surface at the boardroom table or the dinner table. In Just Listen you'll discover field-tested, powerful techniques for getting people to do what you want them to do. With Just Listen, the power to succeed is yours.

Praise for Just Listen

"I've already ordered copies for everyone in Mattel's senior leadership team and for each of my grown kids.?— Bob Eckert, CEO and Chairman, Mattel

"This book will help you turn the impossible and unreachable people in your life into allies, devoted customers, loyal colleagues, and lifetime friends.? — Keith Ferrazzi, best-selling author of Who's Got Your Back and Never Eat Alone

"Easy to read, easy to follow, and the results are astounding.? — Marshall Goldsmith, best-selling author of What Got You Here Won't Get You There and Succession: Are You Ready?

"A groundbreaking work that all leaders, present and future, should read, and more important, practice.? — Warren Bennis, Distinguished Professor of Management, USC, and author of On Becoming a Leader

"Goulston's book delivers on his promise. Read it and you will discover the secret to getting through to absolutely anyone, and I mean anyone!? — Mark Victor Hansen, co-author of Chicken Soup for the Soul

"Goulston's insights into human behavior are real gems.? — Steven B. Sample, President, University of Southern California; author of the best-selling book The Contrarian's Guide to Leadership

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Jacket Copy

"Here's the challenge,? Mark says. "People have their own needs, desires, and agendas. They have secrets they're hiding from you. And they're stressed, busy, and often feeling like they're in over their heads. To cope, they throw up barricades that make it difficult to reach them even when your goals are in sync with their own.?

But the good news is that there are simple strategies that can make you compelling, and break down the walls that keep you from getting through to the people you need to buy into your ideas and goals. Just Listen presents remarkably effective tools and techniques you can use whenever a job, a sale, or a relationship hangs in the balance.

How effective are Mark's techniques? One of his areas of expertise is training FBI and police hostage negotiators to handle life-or-death situations. "The same tips I teach these professionals for building empathy, deescalating conflict, and gaining buy-in will work in any situation,? Mark says. "Whether you're a new employee fresh out of school, a salesperson, or a CEO, once you master these skills you can take them wherever you go in your career.? And Mark has proven these strategies in his own 30-year career as a business coach at companies such as GE, IBM, Goldman Sachs, Kodak, Federal Express, Hyatt, and Disney.

With this powerful yet engaging book, you'll learn how to:

• Get the attention of a total stranger who you need to know—like that potential client you absolutely must land.

• Talk an angry person up from an instinctual (irrational) state to receptivity, and finally to rationality—a skill that can save a job, a marriage, or even a life.

• Use the "Magic Paradox?—a technique the author developed for hostage negotiators—to turn a negative person into an asset.

• Master the critical art of buy-in (the foreplay of negotiation, persuasion, and selling) by moving anyone through the "Persuasion Cycle.?

Barricades between people become barriers to success, progress, and happiness; so getting through is not just a fine art, but a crucial skill. Just Listen gives you the techniques and confidence to approach the unreachable people in your life, and turn frustrating situations into productive outcomes and rewarding relationships.

Mark Goulston, M.D., is a psychiatrist, consultant, business coach, and is the author of Get Out of Your Own Way and Get Out of Your Own Way at Work. He writes a leadership column for Fast Company and the "Solve Anything with Dr. Mark? career advice column for Tribune Media Services. Named one of America's Top Psychiatrists by the Consumers' Research Council of America (2009, 2005, 2004), he is frequently quoted or featured in The Wall Street Journal, Harvard Business Review, Fortune, Newsweek and others, and on CNN, NPR, Fox News, and BBC-TV. He lives in Los Angeles.

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Excerpt

Who's Holding You Hostage?

Good management is the art of making problems so interesting and their solutions so constructive that everyone wants to get to work and deal with them.

—PAUL HAWKEN, AUTHOR,

NATURAL CAPITALISM

Right now, there's someone in your life you need to reach. But you can't, and it's driving you crazy. Maybe it's somebody at work: a subordinate, a team member, a client, your boss. Or maybe it's somebody at home: a partner, a parent, a defiant teen, an angry "ex.?

You've tried everything—logic, persuasion, forcefulness, pleading, anger—but you've hit a wall every time. You're mad, scared, or frustrated. And you're thinking, "What now??

Here's what I want you to do: Think of this as a hostage situation. Why? Because you can't get free. You're trapped by another person's resistance, fear, hostility, apathy, stubbornness, self-centeredness, or neediness—and by your own inability to take effective action.

And that's where I come in.

I'm just an average guy—husband, father, doctor—but a long time ago, I discovered that I had a special talent. You could drop me into just about any situation, and I could reach people. I could persuade defiant executives, angry employees, or self-destructing management teams to work cooperatively toward solutions. I could get through to families in turmoil and to married couples who hated each other's guts. I could even change the minds of hostage takers and desperate people contemplating suicide.

I wasn't sure what I was doing differently from everybody else, but I could tell it worked. I knew I wasn't smarter than everybody else, and I knew my success wasn't just luck because what I did worked consistently, and it worked with all kinds of people in every type of situation. But why did it work?

In analyzing my methods, I found the answer. It turned out I'd happened on a simple, quick set of techniques—some I'd discovered on my own, and others I'd learned from mentors and colleagues—that create traction. That is, they pull people toward me, even if those people are trying to pull away.

To understand this, picture yourself driving up a steep hill. Your tires slip and slide and can't grab hold. But downshift, and you get control. It's like pulling the road to meet you.

Most people upshift when they want to get through to other people. They persuade. They encourage. They argue. They push. And in the process, they create resistance. When you use the techniques I offer, you'll do exactly the opposite—you'll listen, ask, mirror, and reflect back to people what you've heard. When you do, they will feel seen, understood, and felt—and that unexpected downshift will draw them to you.

The powerful techniques you'll learn in this book can move people rapidly and easily, often within minutes, from "no? to "yes.? I employ them every day to fix broken families and help warring couples fall in love again. I use them to save companies on the brink of meltdown, get feuding managers to work together effectively, and empower salespeople to make "impossible? sales. And I use them to help FBI agents and hostage negotiators succeed in the toughest situations possible, when life and death are on the line.

In fact, as you'll find out, you have a lot in common with hostage negotiators when it comes to reaching the people who don't want to listen to you. That's why this book starts with Frank's story.

FRANK'S STORY

Frank is sitting in his car in a large mall parking lot, and nobody is coming near him because he's holding a shotgun to his throat. The SWAT team and the hostage negotiation team are called in. The SWAT team takes positions behind other cars and vehicles, trying to not agitate the man.

As they wait, they fill in the background details. They're looking at a man in his early thirties who lost his customer service job at a large electronics store six months earlier for yelling at customers and coworkers. He'd interviewed for several jobs, but didn't get any of them. He was abusive verbally to his wife and two young children.

A month earlier, his wife and kids moved in with her parents in another city. She told him that she needed a break, and he needed to get his act together. The landlord of their apartment kicked him out at the same time because they hadn't paid the rent. He moved into a shabby room in a poor section of the city. He stopped bathing and shaving and ate next to nothing. The last straw was the restraining order he'd received the day before he ended up at the mall parking lot.

Now the lead negotiator is talking calmly to the man. "Frank, this is Lieutenant Evans, I'm going to be talking with you, because there is another way out of this besides hurting yourself. I know you don't think you have any choice, but you really do.?

Frank exclaims: "You don't know s***. You're just like everyone else. Leave me the f*** alone!?

Lieutenant Evans replies: "I don't think I can do that. You're here in the middle of a mall parking lot with a gun to your throat, and I need to help you find another way out of this situation.?

"Go f*** yourself! I don't need anyone's help!? Frank replies.

And so the conversation proceeds for an hour, with stretches of silence lasting several minutes or more. As the information about Frank comes in, it becomes clear that he's not an evil person, just a very disturbed and angry one. The SWAT team is poised to "take him out? if he threatens anyone else with his gun, but everyone except Frank would like to end this peacefully. However, the odds of that don't look so good.

After an hour and a half, another negotiator, Detective Kramer, arrives. Kramer is a graduate of one of the hostage negotiation training sessions I've delivered to police and FBI hostage negotiators.

Detective Kramer's been briefed about Frank's background and the status of this negotiation and offers Lieutenant Evans a different suggestion: "Here's what I want you to say to the guy: 'I'll bet you feel that nobody knows what it's like to have tried everything else and be stuck with this as your only way out, isn't that true?'?

Evans replies, "Say what??

Kramer repeats the suggestion: "Yeah, go on, say this to the guy: 'I'll bet you feel that nobody knows what it's like to have tried everything else and be stuck with this as your only way out, isn't that true?'?

Evans complies and when he says that to Frank, Frank too replies with: "Say what??

Evans repeats it to Frank, who this time responds: "Yeah, you're right, nobody knows and nobody gives a f***!?

Kramer tells Evans, "Good, you got a 'Yes'; now you're in. Let's build on that.? He adds a second question for the lead negotiator to ask: "Yeah, and I'll bet you feel that nobody knows what it's like to start every day believing that there's more chance that something will go wrong than go right, isn't that true, too??

To that, Frank replies: "Yeah, every f****** day! The same thing happens.?

Kramer tells Evans to repeat what he's heard and get an additional confirmation: "And because nobody knows how bad it is and nobody cares and because nothing goes right and everything goes wrong, that's why you're in your car with a gun wanting to end it all. True??

"True,? Frank replied, his voice showing the earliest signs of calming down.

"Tell me more. What exactly has happened to you? When was your life last okay, and what's happened since then to turn it to crap?? Evans invites.

Frank starts to recount the events since he was fired from his job.

When he pauses, Evans responds with: "Really . . . tell me more.?

Frank continues describing the problems he's had. At some point, with guidance from Kramer, Evans says: "And all of that's caused you to feel angry? Or frustrated? Or discouraged? Or hopeless? Or what exactly?? Evans waits for Frank to pick the word that best fits how he feels. Frank finally owns up to: "Fed up.? Evans follows up with: "So you felt fed up and when you got that restraining order, that was the breaking point?? "Yeah,? Frank confirms. His voice, once hostile, is quieter now. In a few sentences, Frank's gone from refusing to communicate to listening and beginning to have a conversation. What just happened? The most critical step in persuasion—the step I refer to as "buy-in?—has begun. That's the step where a person goes from resisting to listening and then to considering what's being said.

What caused Frank to start listening and begin to "buy in? to what Lieutenant Evans was saying? That shift was no accident. The secret lay in saying the words that Frank was thinking but not saying. When the lieutenant's words matched what Frank was thinking, Frank leaned into the conversation and began to say, "Yes.?

***

Excerpted from JUST LISTEN by Mark Goulston. Copyright © 2010 by Mark Goulston. Published by AMACOM Books, a division of American Management Association, New York, NY. Used with permission.

All rights reserved. http://www.amacombooks.org.

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Table of Contents

Foreword by Keith Ferrazzi xv

Acknowledgments xvii

SECTION I The Secret to Reaching Anyone

1 Who's Holding YOU Hostage?

2 A Little Science: How the Brain Goes from "No? to "Yes?

SECTION II The Nine Core Rules for Getting Through to Anyone 25

3 Move Yourself from "Oh F#@& to OK?

4 Rewire Yourself to Listen

5 Make the Other Person Feel "Felt?

6 Be More Interested Than Interesting

7 Make People Feel Valuable

8 Help People to Exhale Emotionally and Mentally

9 Check Your Dissonance at the Door

10 When All Seems Lost—Bare Your Neck

11 Steer Clear of Toxic People

SECTION III 12 Quick and Easy Ways to Achieve Buy-In and Get Through

12 The Impossibility Question

13 The Magic Paradox

14 The Empathy Jolt

15 The Reverse Play, Empathy Jolt #2

16 "Do You Really Believe That??

17 The Power of "Hmmm . . .?

18 The Stipulation Gambit

19 From Transaction to Transformation

20 Side by Side

21 Fill in the Blanks

22 Take It All the Way to "No?

23 The Power Thank You and Power Apology

SECTION IV Putting It All Together: Fast Fixes for Seven Challenging Situations

24 The Team from Hell

25 Climbing the Ladder

26 The Narcissist at the Table

27 Stranger in Town

28 The Human Explosion

29 Getting Through to Yourself

30 Six Degrees of Separation

Afterword

Index

About the Author

Keynotes/Workshops

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