Disagreements, Disputes, and All-Out War

3 Simple Steps for Dealing with Any Kind of Conflict

Author: Gini Graham Scott.
Pub Date: 2007
Your Price: $15.00
ISBN: 0814480632
Format: Paperback

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Chapter 1
Managing Conflict with the E-R-I Model

The possibility for conflict exists everywhere.

Conflicts arise out of everyday differences of opinion, disagreements, and the interplay of different ideas, needs, drives, wishes, lifestyles, values, beliefs, interests, and personalities. Yet conflicts are more than just debates or negotiations. They represent an escalation of everyday competition and discussion into an arena of hostile or emotion-provoking encounters that strain personal or interpersonal tranquility, or both.

For example, a bill from your doctor is higher than you expect or think it should be. You go to your doctor to discuss it, and he explains that the amount increase is justified because he spent more time than in a usual office visit. He detected a potential problem and needed to examine you further. Is this a conflict? It's more accurately described as a disagreement or a difference of opinion. But as with any difference of opinion or divergence in personal needs and goals, there is always the potential that a real conflict might develop if the emotions become engaged or hostility is expressed. Say you claim you won't pay the increase because the doctor didn't advise you in advance, and the doctor threatens to no longer treat you as a patient. You then raise complaints about the doctor's previous use of tests you don't think were needed. The result is that at some point, unless you choose to give in and pay whatever the doctor is asking, this discussion turns into a conflict. It becomes a heated verbal combat based on competing or opposing interests, and in some cases, tensions rise even more.

This kind of scenario plays itself out again and again at all levels in human relationships-between spouses, lovers, friends, parents and children, business associates, relatives, neighbors, everybody. And it can occur internally when you face opposing desires and needs that pull you in different directions.

When you don't know how to deal with these situations, the uncomfortable feelings generated by the conflict can be destructive to you and the relationship. The actual outcome of the conflict can be even more unproductive and detrimental. For instance, returning to the doctor example, you might end up paying the increased amount, and feel resentful toward your doctor as a result. This might trigger further hostile encounters, leading eventually to your leaving a doctor who has provided you expert care or to your doctor refusing to further treat you as a patient. In the worst case, the initial discussion might actually escalate from an exchange of heated words to physical violence.

On the other hand, with proper strategy, the potential conflict could be steered into a more favorable resolution. The doctor might agree to defer the extra payment this time or seek to get an extra amount from your insurance carrier, while you agree that you will clarify what you expect on future visits. You might also determine when you need to see this more expensive specialist and when you might obtain routine treatment first from doctors at a local clinic.

Similarly, at work, you might turn a potential conflict into a win-win situation, such as when you and a co-worker are vying for a similar position. Maybe your co-worker is more interested in the title, management duties, and the larger office with a great view that come with the position, while you are more interested in the more challenging technical work you will be doing in the new job. By clarifying what you are each looking for in the new job, you might each be able to get what you want and turn the conflict into a source of opportunity for you both.

In short, with the proper conflict management skills, potential conflicts can be averted or defused-and even turned into a positive source for improved interpersonal relationships and personal growth. The key is not to avoid conflict, which is potentially inherent in all social interactions and in all choices we make, but to recognize it and manage it skillfully to produce the best outcome.

Using the E-R-I Method for Conquering Conflict

An ideal technique for managing conflict is the emotional-rational-intuitive (E-R-I) method of conflict resolution. In essence, this method involves first getting the emotions-yours or the other person's-out of the way. Then, you use your reason and your intuition to make choices about how to react in conflict situations. You base your approach on the circumstances, the personalities, interests, and needs of the people involved, and on your own goals, interests, and needs.

This is a powerful approach because at its heart any serious conflict engages the emotions of its participants. Therefore, one of the first steps in resolving conflict is to defuse the negative emotions generated by the conflict-both your own feelings and that of others. To do so, you need to call on your reason or intuition, because if you react from your own feelings to these already heightened feelings, you will only help to further raise the emotional tension level instead of defusing it.

Once emotions are defused, you can use your reason or intuition, as appropriate, to figure out possible resolutions acceptable to all involved. But say this is an extremely difficult situation and you can't realistically resolve or defuse emotions now. You might use the rational-intuitive method to decide that the best thing to do now is to delay and walk away so you can obtain more information, as well as cool off the heat of the argument. Then, you can regroup and come back prepared to resolve it. So initially, avoidance can sometimes be just the ticket, rather than trying to work out the problem when you and the other party are still upset and you don't have all the information you need.

Once you learn to understand and assess the situation and make effective choices in the conflict or potential conflict situations you encounter, you will optimize your ability to not only resolve a conflict but even gain from the people with whom you are in conflict. And if a conflict is a barrier to something you want, overcoming it will help you achieve your goal, too.

Here are the basics on how the model works. Subsequent chapters will discuss in more detail how to use each of the three aspects of the model, while the many examples will help you see how the method might be applied in various conflict situations.

How the E-R-I Conflict Management Model Works

The basic way to use the emotional-rational-intuitive approach to managing conflict is to look on any conflict situation as a problem or potential problem to be solved. First, you must get past the emotions involved, so that you can use your reason and intuition to deal with the core problem. Then, you select the appropriate problem-solving techniques from an arsenal of possible strategies for dealing with the conflict. The strategy you select will depend on the stage of the conflict (potential conflict, developing conflict, open conflict), the importance of a particular resolution to you, an assessment of what the other person needs and wants, and the types of emotions released by the conflict.

Once you select the appropriate technique, you then determine the best way to apply it. The optimal choices depend on your ability to assess the situation and the alternatives rationally, your ability to intuit what option is best for the situation, and your ability to put that choice into action.

Whenever you find yourself in a conflict or potential conflict situation, go through a quick "self-assessment" like the one that follows. Depending on your answers, choose the appropriate response. Give yourself time to learn to do this, because at first you will have to think through your reactions. But in time, as you use this approach regularly, the choices will come to you spontaneously. It will be like flashing through all the options in your mind in a moment, then intuitively choosing the ones you want to employ in that situation.

The following chart, which is adapted from my out-of-print book Resolving Conflict (originally published in 1990 by New Harbinger Publications, Inc., Oakland, CA), describes the questions to ask and strategies to use. Subsequent chapters describe how and when to use each of these strategies in more detail, so when you are in a conflict situation you can review your options and decide the best ones to choose.

© 2008 Gini Graham Scott, Ph.D.
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