Managers who use a passive communication style allow others to control them. They accept all criticism as valid and feel guilty—even apologetic—when they have to criticize others. Aggressive managers, on the other hand, make their feelings known—often to the point of disregarding those of others. They may be domineering and insensitive, and hence leave people feeling resentful, angry, and put-down.
Assertive managers gain others' respect and do not frustrate or irritate those they deal with, because they express themselves in an honest, straightforward manner. They may stand up for their rights, but they do it in ways that don't violate everyone else's.
Assertive communication is self-enhancing, but it doesn't come at the expense of others. Assertive managers are open, honest, and upfront, because they believe that all people have an equal right to express themselves honestly. Such openness and honesty encourage respect and cooperation from employees, managers, and everyone else with whom they interact.
Here is the same sentence, using all three styles:
1. "This is what I think." (Assertive)
2. "This is what I think—you're an idiot to think otherwise." (Aggressive)
3. This is what I think, but it's probably not important to you." (Passive)
You might be thinking, "I can be assertive when I need to be." Shifting from one communication style to another, though, only confuses people, so it's best to learn to communicate in an assertive manner all the time. But first, you need to identify why you sometimes don't. There are three common obstacles to assertiveness: low self-esteem, inability to handle conflict, and poor communication skills. You may be very articulate, but still lack the communication skills to respond to criticism or aggressive put-downs, or praise, or other emotional situations. You need to learn how to express your feelings.